Ninja Fodder
by theevilmuffin
Summary: A collection of Team 7 and SasuSaku drabbles and one-shots, some brand new and others... not so much.
1. For the Ramen

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademarks.

Genre: Humor  
>Pairing: None<br>Prompt: "If we were on the same bit of land, you'd be in danger."  
>Summary: Team 7 fails a mission, and it's all Naruto's fault.<br>Warnings: Crack!humor and very short

For the Ramen  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x 

"If we were on the same bit of land, you'd be in danger."

Naruto whimpered as Sakura threatened him from her nearby makeshift raft. He had the sudden urge to paddle his own makeshift raft far away from hers – very far away.

"I'm sorry, Sakura-chan!" Naruto cried. "But I couldn't help it! I did it for the ramen!"

"The ramen?" Sakura snarled. "You mean the ramen that you can no longer have because you blew it all up? The ramen that your money from completing this mission could've bought you? Because you blew all that, too! I swear, as soon as we get these rafts together, I'm going to hit you so hard you'll think you're a genin again!"

"I guess Naruto's lucky that he still is a genin, then," Kakashi said as floated lazily by on his back, reading his trademark orange book, as if the cargo ship they had been assigned to escort to the eastern continent hadn't just exploded due to Naruto's cooking prowess (or lack thereof, as it stood).

Naruto could hear Sakura paddling her raft towards his and he looked over the open sea with tear filled eyes. This was going to hurt. Something drifted by in front of him – it looked like his pack…

"Oh my god! Guys, I found the ramen!"

x-x-x-x

END


	2. Caution

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademarks.

Genre: General/romance  
>Pairing: SasuSaku<br>Summary: Sasuke gives insight on his relationship with Sakura. Post-canon.  
>Warnings: Very, very short<br>Author's Note: I realized the other day that I posted Ninja Fodder with Sasuke and Sakura being the main characters and then made the first drabble about Team 7 (with no Sasuke). So, this is for those of you who were hoping for some SasuSaku. Rest assured, this compilation of drabbles is probably going to be about two-thirds SasuSaku and one-third Team 7. Enjoy!

Caution  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

It's not that Sakura doesn't make him feel, it's that Sakura makes him think. Sakura makes Sasuke think of his future. She cools his head, makes him rationalize. She has shown him unconditional love and from her he has learned caution. There is a need to be gentle with her, but it's not because of any amount of fragility. It is because she has made him aware of the power he holds over her, and, for once, it is a power Sasuke doesn't want.

So, he is gentle.

He doesn't want to scare her away (though after everything, that seems almost impossible), so he is cautious. He speaks quietly to her, keeps his gaze soft on her, and his touches never leave marks or show aggression. Too long he has been filled with violence and possession – obsession. He doesn't want it here, with her.

In her eyes he can see that glimmering want though. It's the way she looks at him before they make love, or when she joins him in the shower. Sakura, however well hidden she may think it, has a wild heart. The way her muscles tense when his touch is too light – Sakura wants more. She wants passion.

Sasuke knows it, he can see it, but he is not ready yet.

x-x-x-x

END


	3. Strength

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademarks.

Genre: Drama/Romance  
>Pairing: SasuSaku<br>Summary: Years after his return to Konoha, Sasuke finally reunites with Sakura, only to find she is much different from what he remembers.  
>Warnings: Not much longer than the last story<br>Author's Note: Two SasuSaku stories for the price of one! I'll just go hide under my desk now and write some more...

Strength  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

It doesn't surprise him that she is different. No, she could not have survived as a shinobi if she had stayed the same. What surprises him is that he actually misses the old her. Okay, so he doesn't miss the clinginess and the constant requests for dates, but he does miss her innocence. The way she looked so unaccustomed to violence and how civilian-like her mind was – it made him believe that shinobi could be more than cruel killers.

But here is Sakura with an ANBU tattoo and cold, calculating eyes.

She discards her bloody gloves and shuriken into the sink. It disgusts him when he realizes that this procedure is routine.

She strips down to her undergarments, not embarrassed at all by her near nudity in front of him. She turns and catches him looking.

"What?"

Sasuke doesn't want to say anything, but words still leave his lips, regardless. "You're strong," he murmurs, but the way he it says it sounds like an insult. It sounds like him saying: _"Why are you not the weak little girl I used to know?"_

"It gets lonely," she whispers. "Being weak gets lonely. Being pushed around by others is tiring. I'm not that person anymore – I don't want to be."

"_I don't want to be pushed around by you anymore_," he hears.

She is hard, cold, and harsh – adjectives that have never been attached to her before.

Before her, Sasuke feels helpless, and thinks he understands.

This whole thing is tiresome. She is tiresome, and he is just plain tired.

"You're wrong," he mutters.

"How so?" she challenges.

He shakes his head and sighs. "Being strong is just as tiring," he says.

She looks at him suspiciously. He moves towards her, grabs her hand with his, and rests his forehead on hers.

"It's time for us to rest," he says.

x-x-x-x

END


	4. Lifetimes Apart

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademarks.

Genre: Fantasy/Romance  
>Pairing: Implied SasuSaku<br>Summary: Written for a fanart prompt for the SasuSaku Month 2011 community in the months leading up to July. In the midst of war, a young couple faces their impending separation. (It will make sense if you read all the way to the very end.)  
>Warnings: Mentions of sex<br>Author's Note: As my way of shamelessly plugging SasuSaku Month 2012 (more details on my profile page), I've decided to post some of the stuff I wrote during last year's event to show (or remind) people what type of awesome shenanigans the community gets up to before the actual month of July.

Lifetimes Apart  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

Two weeks he has been here, with her, hiding and recovering. It's late and she should be resting in bed next to him, but instead she sits, her arm swaying with the fluid movement of sewing.

He moves behind her and pulls at her robe, tugging it over her shoulders. "Come back to bed," he says huskily in her ear. She shudders and flushes, but does not stop her work.

He recognizes the material in her hands. He reaches an arm forward and grasps his black shirt. Her hands still, allowing him to pull it towards him and survey the change. His thumb brushes the cuff of his sleeve as he feels the patch of material that was not there before.

"It's for good luck," she explains without his asking. "They'll find us soon, and when they do, I won't be able to go with you and keep you safe."

"An uchiwa?" he asks.

"Yes, Kouen, an uchiwa: a fan to keep your flame burning bright."

She drops the needle and thread, stands and turns slightly so she can press her mouth against his. Her robe slips from her shoulders and Kouen drops the shirt, wrapping his arms around her. He can sense the desperation in her touch when she grips his forearms, in the way she presses all of her against him.

He pulls back. "Ayano," he calls, trying to calm her. "Nothing will separate us."

She sighs and smiles wryly, despite the burning in the corners of her eyes and the tightness in her throat. "You do not understand what you say. We won't be together forever, Kouen."

"Forever is impossible, this lifetime is all I need," he says. Inside, he feels as though he is begging her to stay, begging the gods to make the impossible happen, begging the very strands of the universe to keep the Senju from finding their hideout and separating them.

She kisses him, and he can taste heartbreak on her lips. He grabs at her, suddenly desperate, too.

They make love, possibly for the last time. She lays before him like a goddess, pale-skinned and beautiful. Her emerald eyes shine in the moonlight and seem to soothe his very soul. He presses his face to her neck and smells the scent of sakura blossoms on her skin.

"I won't leave you," he murmurs to her, a silent promise, as they bask in the afterglow.

"But you'll have to," she responds. She cups his face with her hand, gently, and smiles at him. "But don't worry, because we'll meet again, Kouen. Not in this lifetime, but we will meet again. Our names may be different, but I will never forget your face."

"Nor will I forget yours," Kouen promises. "And I will wear the uchiwa on my back, so even if you can't see my face, you will always be able to find me. This I promise you."

x-x-x-x

In another lifetime, Sasuke slowly awakens in the Land of Waves. He smells cherry blossoms. "Sakura?"

x-x-x-x

END

Author's Note: I try not to leave Author's notes at the end of stories, but I had a question. Since Ninja Fodder is a collection of drabbles, should it be put as a complete work, or an incomplete work?


	5. A Matter of Probability

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademark.

Genre: Humor  
>Pairing: SasuSaku<br>Prompt: standard error of a sample mean  
>Summary: Written for a request prompt for the SasuSaku Month 2011 community in the months leading up to July. Non-Massacre AU. Sasuke tries to decide whether or not Sakura will like his gift. Naruto has his own opinion. Chaos ensues (as usual).<br>Warnings: Still crack, and the next drabble doesn't look much better

Author's Note: Posting this in celebration of SasuSaku Month 2012 which starts in a few hours.

A Matter of Probability  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

Sasuke looked at the… thing with a mixture of horror and pure awe.

"Dude, Sakura will love it!" Naruto said, giving Sasuke a hearty slap on the back.

Sasuke flinched from the force of the blow and glared at his best friend. "Don't touch me," he snarled.

Naruto's arm recoiled to his side before he reached it out once more, this time to prod at the… thing that was sitting on the counter in front of Sasuke. "What is it, anyway?"

"It's a…" Sasuke paused. "I don't know what it is."

"Well, either way, she'll love it," Naruto repeated.

"You sound so sure."

"Well, yeah, I mean, statistically speaking, there's a ninety-three percent chance she'll love it."

"And the other seven percent?"

"She won't like it. But don't worry, there's only a point-five percent chance that she'll punch you in the face. And a point-zero zero zero one six percent chance that she'll knee you in the crotch."

"That makes me feel so much better," Sasuke murmured. "How did you come up with all these stupid numbers, anyway?"

Naruto scowled. "They aren't stupid! I was... doing something yesterday, and I overheard Shikamaru talking about it with Sakura. There's like this sample of data, and then there's this percent of deviation or something, and the amount of deviation has to match… something… and it's called normal error or something?"

Sasuke let his head hit the counter.

Naruto started at this and rubbed the back of his head bashfully, "So yeah, maybe I didn't really understand what they said – but the point is, she'll love it!"

Sasuke hesitantly lifted his head from Ichiraku's counter. "Are you absolutely positive about this, usuratonkachi?"

"Uh, ninety-nine-point-six percent positive…" Naruto said sheepishly.

Sasuke rolled his eyes and grabbed the… thing. Hopefully, Sakura would love it.

x-x-x-x

Sakura didn't love it.

"What in the world made you think I would want this… thing? What in the world is it, anyway?"

Grimly, Sasuke pointed at Naruto, "He said you would 'love' it."

Sakura turned her glare on Naruto and Naruto raised his hands defensively. "Well, you know, statistically speaking-"

"STATISTICS?" Sakura shouted, the… thing still in her clenched fist. "THIS IS PROBABILITY!" She then punched Naruto in the face with said fist, and the… thing crumbled in her hand.

Naruto went flying and Sasuke stared in horror as Sakura dropped the crushed remains of the… thing to the ground.

Sakura smirked triumphantly before turning to face Sasuke, "Now that he's been taken care of…" She paused at the sight of her boyfriend's horrified stare.

"Sasuke-kun?"

"That was an Uchiha family heirloom."

"That… thing was…?"

"Yeah."

Both now stared at the destroyed remains.

"Your mom's gonna kill me," Sakura whimpered.

"Maybe… maybe we'll just tell her it was an accident," Sasuke said, trying to hide the fear in his voice.

(Later on, Mikoto had a laugh at their expense, teasing them until she finally cracked and said: "I never liked that old thing, anyway!")

x-x-x-x

END


	6. The D Stands for Dignity

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademark.

Genre: Humor  
>Pairing: None<br>Summary: Pre-Chunin Exam. Genin!Team 7 suffers through a terrible deluge of D-rank missions.  
>Warnings: None<p>

Author's Note: A bonus drabble for everyone who makes it this far! YAY!

The D Stands for Dignity  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

Sasuke pulls up his collar to hide the cat scratches on his chin and neck. These D-rank missions are more than his dignity can handle.

Sakura valiantly tries to cover up the scratches with foundation, and she's been getting better at it as the days go by. She grumbles when Kakashi-sensei says they have another mission... to catch another cat.

Naruto just bounces in, all ramen and rainbows, and proclaims himself ready for whatever the world throws at him. Even a twenty-pound tabby can't take Naruto down. In fact, for the past two weeks, Naruto has taken the brunt of the damage. He has been on the wrong end of thorny bushes, flailing cats, caltrop traps, and steep embankments for every mission Sasuke can remember.

Naruto's flesh remains untouched. The deep gouges inflicted the day before have vanished completely. Any worry of infection is gone. Naruto has never been missed a school day because of sickness (though he's missed several on purpose), if Sasuke's memory serves him correctly.

This time, Kakashi's dog barks the cat out of the tree, and it clings to Naruto's scalp, hissing and spitting when Kakashi tries to grab him.

Naruto flails and the cat shoots off at Sasuke, who grabs the cat by the scruff of its neck after it clings, painfully, to his torso. He jerks the cat up and cradles it in his arms.

The cat relaxes and purrs. Sakura coos.

"That's right," Kakashi says. "The Uchiha have an affinity for cats, don't they?"

Sasuke sneers and doesn't see Naruto sneak up on his left. The cat senses Naruto and screeches, scrambling to get out of Sasuke's hold.

Its claws tear up Sasuke's arms as he tries to keep hold of it. Sakura yells at Naruto and Sasuke winces as the cat climbs up his chest and perches on his shoulders.

Kakashi chuckles and goes back to his literature.

x-x-x-x

END


	7. Saturmonday

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademark.

Genre: Humor  
>Pairing: None<br>Summary: Naruto's feared Monday happens on a Saturday. His teammates may have had a hand in it.  
>Warnings: F-bomb<p>

Author's Note: Sorry for disappearing like that! I've been busy writing for SasuSaku Month, I will try to update more often, though it might be a little sporadic until mid-June.

Saturmonday  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

Naruto has never liked Mondays, and so has always expected a catastrophe to happen every time the dreaded day comes around.

The catastrophe happens on a Saturday.

Saturday: his favourite day of the week.

Naruto walks into his apartment and sneezes. His throat almost seizes up at the abrasive citrus scent.

Something is wrong. His apartment is clean. The smell of cleaning solution pervades his senses. He can't smell ramen anywhere. The ramen is gone.

Why is the ramen gone?

Naruto freaks, skidding over shiny, clean, polished floors and crashes into his fridge. The contents are neatly organized and brand new. Last month's milk is gone. This is possibly the only good point.

Everything has been put away. His socks are folded. His ninja tools are in his rarely used closet and everything is organized. Naruto just wants to choke on the fucking lemon scent of cleaning solution. The apartment is so big and cold and ramen-less.

Naruto screams.

Sakura sits on Team 7's bridge and turns her head to look at Sasuke.

"How do you think it will take him to realize it's a genjutsu?"

x-x-x-x

END


	8. Train Wreck in Motion

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademark.

Genre: Humor  
>Pairing: None<br>Summary: Naruto's planned prank goes terribly wrong for obvious reasons.  
>Warnings: Mild language<p>

Author's Note: Double update!

Train Wreck in Motion  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

Naruto's new best friend is this lovely little thing called itching powder.

He takes his time to sprinkle it on Sasuke's clothes and even has the forethought to dash some into Kakashi-sensei's secret stash of masks. He goes to great lengths to make sure none of Sasuke's clothes come out unscathed. He even replaces Sasuke's laundry detergent with the stuff.

What he doesn't count on is Sakura's washing machine breaking down.

What he really doesn't count on is Sakura using Sasuke's washing machine. Naruto wants to say something, but he knows that he will be in a world of pain if anyone finds out what has really gone down. All the blond shinobi can do is watch, silently, as the situation slowly heads towards a horrific train wreck.

Naruto is antsy because he wants to warn Sakura, but Sasuke is watching her like a hawk, scowling and saying he doesn't want her breaking his washing machine, too.

The next day, Naruto feels horrible. He's so anxious he can't stop sweating. He spends the majority of the morning keeping his clothes from sticking and being irritating. They are clean and dry and rough on his skin. Sasuke spends the majority of the morning subtly adjusting his shirt and shorts. Sakura just scratches and scratches and finally decides that Sasuke uses lame laundry detergent and goes for a swim in the river (clothes on). Kakashi never shows up.

As Sakura floats, she says something that leaves Naruto breathless (and not in a good way).

"Seriously, Sasuke, what the hell do you use for laundry detergent – peroxide? I really hope Kakashi and Naruto are okay, I washed their clothes at your place, too."

Naruto stares down at his freshly cleaned clothes in horror.

He should've known; he never ironed his jacket!

x-x-x-x

END


	9. Happy

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademark.

Genre: Humor  
>Pairing: None<br>Summary: Sakura doesn't let her teammates get her down.  
>Warnings: Mild language<p>

Author's Note: Pretty stressed at the moment. New job and going into the final stretch of SSM. But here's a little something for you.

Happy  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

It's a normal day for Team 7.

Naruto is a burst of sunshine yellow on a dreary winter day. Sasuke broods, whether or not it is because of what the wind is doing to his hair is to be decided. Sakura is on the razor edge of joy.

She is bundled up – today is actually a record setting day for low temperatures in Fire Country. The last time Konoha was this cold was almost forty years ago. She has a scarf wrapped snugly around her neck and chin. Despite the cold weather, she is in a good mood. She is cute and cuddly and Sasuke calls her annoying but she really doesn't care, because today she is happy.

Sakura is so happy, in fact, that when Naruto and Sasuke get into a fight, she lets them have at it for a while before breaking them up.

She is so happy, that, when Sasuke scowls at her when she's healing his wrist, she is still smiling when she dislocates his fingers and digs her nails into his skin.

Naruto gulps and scurries away when Sakura proclaims herself finished with Sasuke. She tells Naruto it's now his turn to be healed with a grand smile still on her face.

Because today she is happy, damn it.

x-x-x-x

END


	10. Gibberish in Neutral

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademark.

Genre: Humor  
>Pairing: None<br>Summary: A small insight on Naruto and Sasuke's friendship.  
>Warnings: None<p>

Author's Note: I know these are short, but I hope you enjoy them.

Gibberish in Neutral  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

Sasuke is slightly unnerved.

Naruto has been staring at him, brows furrowed, for over half an hour.

Raising an eyebrow in question doesn't seem to have any effect on the blond, nor does glaring holes through his forehead. Sasuke grumbles and crosses his arms over his chest.

"What, dobe?"

Naruto looks up at him. "Well, I heard someone the other day say that they were like peanut butter and jelly, and I didn't get what that meant, so I asked him. He said that when two things work together well, they're like peanut butter and jelly. Personally I prefer ramen and miso, but I guess this peanut butter and jelly stuff is really good. So anyway, I was thinking that since we work so well together, we must be like peanut butter and jelly. But, if we are, then who's the peanut butter and who's the jelly?"

Sasuke turns and walks away.

x-x-x-x

END


	11. A Kind Heart

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademark.

Genre: Friendship/Angst  
>Pairing: None<br>Summary: Sasuke, his walls, and the entire misconception that built them.  
>Warnings: Mild Language<p>

Author's Note: Another short character piece on Sasuke. I love working with his character.

A Kind Heart  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

There is a barrier between Sasuke and rest of Team 7, and that barrier is Sasuke's calm, collected personality, a selected, irritated glare and calculated scowl. There is nothing about him that isn't practiced, and what drives the distance further between them is that no one realizes that Sasuke isn't supposed to be like this. They just all think that Sasuke was born a bastard and a prick; they don't think that maybe Sasuke actually was once just a child like them. Sasuke uses this ignorance to push away from them, but it is he who never realizes that the others have never doubted his kind heart.

x-x-x-x

END


	12. Married Life

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, its characters, its storyline, or any related trademark.

Genre: Humor/Family  
>Pairing: SasuSaku<br>Summary: Sasuke and Sakura prepare for their son's birthday and realize that there may have been a communication error between them.  
>Warnings: CRACK<p>

Author's Note: A request I filled for SSM 2012 Drabble-athon thing.

Married Life (Stupidity at its Best)  
>by: theevilmuffin<p>

x-x-x-x

Sasuke watched with a frown as Sakura shakily wrapped a toy dinosaur in brightly coloured paper. She fumbled and punched a hole in the paper with her finger, which sent her into a fit of silent, muttered curses.

"What are you so nervous about?" Sasuke asked.

When she didn't stop her harried attempt to fix the wrapping paper, he laid a hand over top of hers. "Sakura, he's two, he's not going to notice a hole in the wrapping paper."

Sakura slumped in defeat, head bowed and face hidden from view. "I know," she mumbled, her voice oddly shaky. "I just can't believe our little boy is almost two already!"

Her voice cracked and her shoulders started to shake.

"Are you crying?" Sasuke asked his wife in disbelief.

"He's growing up so fast!" Sakura defended with a loud wail.

"He's two!"

"I know! I feel as though if I look away for one moment, the next thing I know, he'll be moving out and getting married and having kids-"

"Sakura," Sasuke interrupted firmly. "He's two. It's going to be a long time before any of that happens. It's just your pregnancy talking." He reached over to place a warm hand on her swollen belly.

"Yeah, it probably is," Sakura sniffled, wiping at her eyes. "I still can't believe he's two, though. It felt like only yesterday I was holding him for the first time."

Sasuke's lips tugged upwards slightly - not quite a smile, but a smile nonetheless. He knew exactly how she felt.

"He definitely takes after his daddy, though," Sakura said. "I don't think I've ever met such a sweet looking child who is so grumpy."

She almost laughed at the ghost of a pout that appeared on Sasuke's face. "I'm not grumpy," Sasuke said childishly.

Sakura did laugh this time, and though Sasuke had to suffer through a little humiliation, Sakura seemed to have calmed down greatly from her previous hysterics. Her laughter calmed into a wide smile and she had a little bit of bounce in her as she finished wrapping up the toy.

"Sasuke, honey, could you go check on Satoshi?" Sakura asked. "He's probably awake by now."

"I thought you dropped him off at Naruto's."

"What? No, you were supposed to put him to bed..."

The two of them stared at each other in horror. Sakura dropped everything and they both rocketed to their feet to find their missing son.

A loud cry alerted them immediately to his whereabouts. Satoshi sat on the floor of the bathroom, one of Sakura's tampons stuck in his nostril.

"I'll go get the first aid kit," Sasuke mumbled, and quickly retreated.

"You do that."

x-x-x-x

END


End file.
